When I started this blog seven years ago my original intent was to simply share outfits to inspire other women to dress for themselves & to share who they are through their personal style…
THE STORY
…And while that is still a part of what FFD is all about, it has grown into so much more. I’ve always loved to write, ever since I was a little girl, and eventually I started to share stories about anything & everything. Now FFD is the foundation of my business “Unleash Your Inner Badass” that will be launching in the Fall. But the heart of it is the writing.
I’ve always believed that through sharing our stories we can not only entertain, but help others. Even the most seemingly inconsequential nugget from our personal stories might just be what another human being needs to get them through a dark moment.
“Your story is someone else’s instruction manual…”
I realized when I posted this story about seeing the magic in the world on Instagram the other day, that perhaps the time had come to dive a little deeper. I’ve mentioned many times that my childhood was less than ideal however I’ve never gone into too much detail. Today seems like as good a time as any to share a little more. Today is the 38th anniversary of the death of one of the main characters in the dark story that was my childhood, the story that made me who I am…my mom. Please know before you read any further, this is not a pretty story and I am not looking for sympathy. I am not a victim, and that is the point of sharing…
“You’re only held hostage by your past if you give it the power to keep you there…”
Let me start by saying, that while her contribution to the story is huge, none of it came from a place of ill intent. She was a child herself, trying her best to raise a child. She gave birth to me three weeks to the day after her 17th birthday during a time when that was less than accepted and she herself came from a total shit show.
It certainly didn’t help that my father was an abusive alcoholic ass, both physically & mentally. Like me, my mom was elfin-sized, but he had no qualms about unleashing epic ass whoopings on her right in front of me on a regular basis. I cannot tell you how many times I would run to my grandma’s house next door screaming & sobbing only to be punished by my mother later because I had told. And do you know what? I’m grateful because this is when I discovered the hidden magic both in the world & in myself. It was at this point that I learned that by packing up my stuffed animals & heading out to my secret place in the woods for the day, I could create a magical imaginary world where fairies & princesses lived. And that magic lives in me to this day.
Eventually my mom divorced my dad (definitely a story for another day) and it was just her & I. Things definitely improved as the violence was gone, but it’s also when things really went haywire. She was in her mid-twenties & never had a childhood of her own, so she commenced living her life like a teenager; a super important detail here is my mom was a severe diabetic. It had developed while she was pregnant with me, and living like an unleashed teenager was not conducive to taking care of one’s health. There was never any type of healthy food in the house, she went out partying, there were a variety of loser men…you get the idea. But let me emphasize…she loved me with her entire being, and that love has gotten me through a lot of tough times in my own life. She just had zero coping or life skills & had no damn idea how to be a mother.
By the time I was in high school her health deteriorated to the point that my sole focus in life was to keep her alive. I would get called out of school regularly because she needed me to come home & help her. I had to sleep with her because she would go into diabetic shock almost every night & it was my job to get straight sugar or frosting in a tube squeezed down her throat to get her blood sugar back up before she died. This was pretty much every. single. night. Sometimes I was successful, sometimes not. Then I would have to call some family member or another to rush her to the hospital. And in case your wondering, no, no one ever thought to get us help or get me out there. However I would have never willingly left her anyways.
Eventually it came to the point that she was in the hospital more than out. And that my friends, is when I went off the rails. I would lug my paper grocery bag of belongings to whichever grandparents’ house I was staying at…and this is when I learned to lie. I would say I was somewhere else while in truth I was out running wild in the night…all night. Partying & doing all sorts of things a teenage girl should most decidedly not be doing at 2 a.m. or anytime really. I would go to school, go to visit my mom at the hospital after school and then just run amuck often sleeping until 1 or 2 in the afternoon. Trust me, school was not high on my list of things to do.
The spring & summer before my senior year things seemed to turn around for us. Mom was doing well & we moved from the trailer park down the street to the new projects…trust me, major upgrade. Then one day in early July at about 12:30 in the afternoon I was asleep & hungover in bed when my brain registered hearing my mom talking nonsense. I bolted out of bed & ran to her room to find her babbling on the phone…to this day I have no idea who it was. I immediately started to pump glucose gel (best invention ever for me at the time) down her throat, but to no avail. I couldn’t reach anyone to come to help me so I called an ambulance. And that was the last time my mom was ever home. It was also the last time that ever again I slept past 9 a.m. As I’m sure many of you know, guilt is a very strong motivator.
My mom never regained consciousness after that morning. I’ve always viewed that few short months of good that we had together as a gift. For the next several weeks she was in a coma on a ventilator. The circulation in her left arm stopped functioning & they had to amputate it. Every day I sat by her bed & begged her not to leave me and I honestly believe that’s why she held on as long as she did. But finally, at about 5:30 in the morning on July 31, 1982 she had to go. My heart shattered into a million pieces that morning, by the time we got there she was already gone. Even so, I sat by her bed, held her hand & whispered to her over & over that it was okay to go, that I would be okay.
And do you know what? I was. And I am. And I wouldn’t be the tough resilient badass that I am if my mom hadn’t shown me the way. I could have chosen to allow all of that to make me a victim. I could have raged and screamed and blamed all of my shortcomings and problems on my mom. But I didn’t. I kept her deep love for me in my heart. I used our life together to make me strong…to make me compassionate…to make me a magic-seer. It all comes down to perception & personal choice. You see, your life is what you make it & how you choose to use the experiences along the way…not the experiences themselves…
THE OUTFIT
Could there be a more basic summer outfit than a sundress & kimono? Okay, maybe shorts & a tank top, but basic nonetheless. BUT…there ain’t a damn thing wrong with basic. Basic is basic because it works. Basic is tried & true, basic withstands the test of time. As evidenced by the often seen pairing of a sundress (exhibit A, exhibit B, exhibit C) layered under a kimono. It just works for hot summer days. You look fabulous and you stay a mite less sweaty.
I picked up this particular eyelet eyelet kimono at Walmart right before the world ended in March…good news though, it’s still available both online & in-store. I wore it for my birthday lunch back in March paired with jeans and a sweater, but I bought it because I knew it would be perfect for summer layering, which obviously it is.
The barely there wisp of a white sundress is a many years old score from Free People. I love it so much in fact that I also own it in blue & mustard yellow. They are legit super lightweight, so much so that the white one requires some sort of slip underneath if you’re not looking to share your goods with the world.
THE TIP
Ya, ya I know…kimonos make my tip section so often I risk becoming redundant. But that’s because kimonos are such an easy closet staple. I wear them literally all year ’round. A kimono is by far the quickest easiest way to bump up the fun factor of an outfit by a zillion degrees. You can layer a kimono over literally anything. I’ve also been known to belt them & wear them as a dress or top. The options for styling a kimono are absolutely endless.
THE LINK UPS
Check out the weekly link ups I participate in for even more fashion and style ideas…
Kimono: Walmart; Dress: Free People (Similar); Sandals: Payless (Similar)
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